Lazy Saturday Panic
by Argyle Sock
Summary: In which Shepard is a massive idiot.


So this was first birthed to be a one shot displaying Shep and Valarian's lesbro friendship but mutated into this bout of nonsense. It's just a bunch of silliness and fluff and I hope you'll enjoy it. It was fun to write.

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It was a lazy Saturday afternoon where Shepard found herself sprawled on the living room rug being assailed by her rambunctious daughter. With seemingly endless giggles that warmed Shepard's heart, the small toddler reached a blue hand up to grab Shepard's nose roughly before twisting in a crocodile roll away with a squeal.

"Hey you! Be careful with that, or you'll tear it off!" Shepard chided in mock outage spurring her daughter into another fit of giggles. Shepard watched the toddler push herself up onto her knees, grinning like a hellion as she fixed her wide green eyes on Shepard's face. She paused for a moment to scrutinize with an intensity Shepard found a bit alarming before she lunged forward at light speed.

Shepard's vision went white. Pain.

Pain. Pain pain pain pain.

Her hand immediately shot up to her tenderized nose as she bit back an anguished wail. Somewhere her mind registered the demonic laughter of her offspring as the blooms of pain radiated out through her face. The idea of her child being satan incarnate didn't seem so far fetched at the moment.

"Jane? You alright?" The concerned voice of her bond mate sounded from the kitchen, the knife on the cutting board pausing for a moment.

"Yeah," Shepard groaned, tenderly massaging the side of her now swollen nose, "I think I'll live."

"If you say so," Liara's gentle voice hummed in amusement as she resumed cooking their late lunch. Shepard sighed as she cracked an eye open to see her daughter staring at her, giggles shaking her body as she gummed on two of her fingers. The little toddler only had her four front teeth much like human children, only instead it took asari four years to reach that stage.

Shepard silently admitted that the tyke looked angelic but her throbbing nose demanded revenge. "Yer going to get it, lil' spitfire!" Shepard roared as she promptly set to tickling every inch of the squirming child. Shrieks of delight punctuated with exaggerated cackles finally drew Liara into the living room to watch, hand akimbo as she smiled at the scene.

When Shepard felt that enough revenge had been exacted she gathered up her still wiggling daughter to her chest, covering her face and developing crest with kisses. Liara's happy sigh drew Shepard's attention to her sparkling blue eyes.

"Hmm? You jealous, T'Soni? Would you like some kisses too?" Shepard smirked as her bond mate shook her head.

"Perhaps later," Liara said with her own matching smirk and turned back to the kitchen. Shepard couldn't help but to stare at her bond mate's swaying buttocks, entranced in her lecherous thoughts. She didn't notice her daughter's tiny hand press against her cheek until she felt a curious surge of the immature meld. The little bubble of delight quickly turned into confusion as the toddler furrowed her brows.

Shepard froze; libidinous thoughts screeching to a halt. Time stretched for eternity as Shepard stared in horror at her daughter. Then the panic came. Her heart thudded in frenzy as her mind flew. Her daughter just saw her dirty, filthy, nasty thoughts.

Fuck. Fuck. She corrupted her four year old kid.

Oh god what is she going to do? Liara is going to KILL her.

Shepard picked up her daughter and set her in the playpen before making haste to her study. She needed a plan of action, she didn't even know asari kids could initiate melds that young. Shepard opened her omni-tool with a shaky hand, scrolling through her vast contact list. Aethyta was her first instinct but the thoughts of the Matriarch either ruthlessly teasing her or headbutting her until she became comatose were unsettling.

Garrus. Her ol' buddy had always been a solid rock of support. He'll probably know what to do. Shepard jabbed the call button and nibbled her nails anxiously as she listened to the first two rings.

"Shepard. What can I do for you?" The familiar flanged voice greeted good-naturedly.

"Garrus! I need your help, oh god," Shepard hissed into the speaker, hunched over the omni-tool, paranoid of Liara somehow overhearing.

Concern was now evident in the turian's voice, "Sure, Shepard, what is the matter?"

"God, Garrus! I- I can't even begin to say. I did something terrible," Shepard began to pace, "I don't think Liara is ever going to forgive me."

"Hold up there, what happened? What did you do?"

"I- well I was playing with Aliyah and umm... Do you know anything about asari toddlers?" If Shepard was in any sort of rational mind she would have realized the absurdity of asking her turian friend such a question. The long pause felt like eternity.

"Um no, not much at all," the confusion and fear was audible in his voice, "What did you do, Shepard?"

She bit her lip hard, the sudden pull sending new flares of pain in her nose. She hissed in pain and anger, "It wasn't so much as what I did actually. Ummm- I was ummm... Aliyah initiated a meld. With me."

Another pause. "Isn't she a bit... young? I mean I never thought asari would be able to meld this young."

This wasn't helping, the sick feeling in her stomach grew worst, "Yeah I don't know."

"You don't know? What about Liara? I think she would know." Garrus was starting to sound perplexed with a healthy dose of concern.

"I can't Garrus! I was... thinking about her," Shepard twisted her hand in her hair. After the extended pause she continued, "You know, THINKING of her? The adult variety? Ali melded and... yeah."

"Oh... Oh!" Garrus' deep timbre loud as clarity of the situation dawned. He pause again and Shepard felt like screaming. Since when was he ever this lost for words? There was a funny sound. Shepard squinted her eyes, it sounded familiar.

It was Garrus. Stifling his laughter.

"Garrus! Are you laughing at me?" Shepard cried incredulously, feeling the stab of betrayal. "This is serious, Vakarian! I just traumatized my child!"

The turian gave up trying to keep quiet. Shepard gritted her teeth as the dual-toned laughter continued far too long before settling into contented wheezes.

"Shepard, I am sure you didn't traumatize your child," He spoke in what Shepard felt was a patronizing tone, "She's too young to even comprehend sex."

"Well you obviously have no idea what a meld really is like, Vakarian," Shepard couldn't believe Garrus was making light of such a serious matter, "Melds aren't just pretty pictures, it's ah- the full deal. Emotions, sensation and stuff!"

"Look, Shepard, I'm honoured you considered me in your time of crisis but I think your bond mate is more suitable for subjects like this," The traitor put extra emphasis on bond mate, this was hopeless. Her best buddy who was there throughout the Reaper War, held her hair while she puked her guts out after a wild stagette party and kept her sane during Liara's long, hormonal pregnancy had turned his back on her.

"Fine. Fine, be that way! Just go back to your stinkin' calibrations while your best friend gets flayed alive by her bond mate!" Shepard huffed, hurt as she aggressively stabbed the end call button, cutting off whatever protest Garrus began to say. Her wrist now ached where she jabbed it, she had forgot that the omnitool was a hologram with a real arm below.

"Shepard! Lunch is ready!"

Shit. Liara's gentle voice froze her blood.

Shepard stood still in a fit of panic. Liara would know something was amiss the moment she sees her sweat soaked brow and reedy breathing. The asari knew her far too well to even try to disguise her apocalyptic melt down and guilt but Shepard had to try. She didn't defeat the Reapers for nothing.

"Shepard!" Liara called again, her sweet voice sending a spear of guilt through Shepard's heart. She corrupted their child. Quickly wiping her sweat with her sleeve she steeled her spine and left the study at a brisk walk.

Shepard entered the warm, comfortable kitchen that was at such odds with the mayhem in her mind it made her stomach churn. Still, she persevered. If she could survive Elysium she could survive this lunch. She was Commander fucking Shepard.

"Honey, are you okay?" Liara questioned, worry pulling her brow markings together.

God. Damn.

Shepard quickly shook her head, plastering a wide grin on her face, "Never been better!" She unfurled her napkin and draped it on her lap, filling the motion with unnecessary movement to fill the silence.

She could feel Liara scrutinize every centimetre of her face, no doubt noticing the new batch of sweat beading her forehead.

Aliyah was sitting in her high chair, squealing and babbling nonsense as she mushed food onto every available surface.

"Are you feverish? You're soaked in sweat!" Liara continued with her concern, unaware that every sentence was another stab of guilt through Shepard. Setting her napkin onto the table, Liara stood and walked over to press her hand against Shepard's forehead.

"Li, I'm fine. It's just... hot in here," Shepard feigned aloofness, batting her bondmate's hand to the side.

Much to Shepard's dismay however, Liara held more tenacity than a dog on a bone. She watched as the beautiful asari set her face in determination, something was awry and she was going to dig it out.

"Shepard you think me a fool if you thought for a moment I would believe that. You're hyperventilating like a varren in heat, for goddess sake," Liara punctuated her sentence with an eye roll but Shepard was far too distracted by Liara's use of colloquialism to notice. Bizarre, just bizarre. Perhaps she was still in bed and dreaming this horrid nightmare.

Aliyah squealed again, wiggling violently in her chair, grinning over at her parents with glee.

"Honestly Shepard what is the matter?" Her bondmate stressed the last word, grabbing Shepard's chin and redirecting her attention back.

"I didn't mean to!" Shepard blurted out, unable to take the strain anymore. Liara's face was the epitome of confusion as the mystery deepened. She ran a soothing had over Shepard's sweat soaked cheek.

"Whatever do you mean, dear? You're scaring me."

"I didn't mean to!" Shepard couldn't help but repeat, "Ali- I didn't know!"

At the mention of their daughter Liara glanced over at the babbling baby, nothing seemed amiss. Shepard could see the confusion deepen, the first hints of fear showing in Liara's beautiful blue eyes.

She was so going to be warped through the wall, Shepard was sure of it.

"I- I'm confused, Jane, what happened? Ali looks fine," Liara shook her head gently, eyes pleading for some explanation.

The dam finally broke, Shepard couldn't hold it back anymore as she vomited a mess of jumbled sentences and apologies, hoping maybe she could confuse Liara enough for the asari to drop the matter. It was futile.

"I'm so sorry I honestly didn't know and she was just suddenly there I'm so sorry how was I suppose to know it can happen at such a young age and yes I know I should have read that book you gave me six years ago but seriously Li it's so heavy and there's no pictures I'm sorry will you ever forgive me I corrupted our precious child but really it's all your fault for having such a perfect ass I mean goddamn but now our child KNOWS and I'm so sorry please don't warp me through the wal-"

Shepard was suddenly silenced by Liara's hand slapping over her mouth rather roughly. Her bond mate was shaking her head, a frown pulling on her lips. A heavy silence fell between them, the impatient whine of their child just a distant sound.

"You... corrupted our child?" Of course of everything she had to catch it would be that. Shepard felt like her heart was going to give out it was pounding so hard, "How on Thessia could you manage that?"

Shepard spoke through Liara's hand still clamped on her mouth, her voice tiny and muffled, "She melded with me. While I was thinking about you. Your ass specifically. And what I've done with it."

Shepard would rather face a fleet of Reapers with only a pistol than endure this. She could hear the whisper of her death drawing closer it was so silent. Aliyah had fallen into a deep nap, still in her chair.

Liara's face was impassive. Shepard had years of training on reading faces of the most disciplined soldiers and hardened criminals yet could not glean a drop of Liara's thoughts.

The terror was real.

Liara's sudden explosive laughter was so jarring Shepard jerked away in alarm, thinking for a moment her bond mate was finally laying down retribution. When she realized Liara was laughing, of all the things, she felt the same twinge of betrayal she felt earlier with Garrus but this time stronger. She felt foolish and it drew out her anger.

"Why are you laughing? This is serious!" She pulled Liara's hand away at last as the asari fell into her lap still shaking with mirth.

"Liara! This is not a joke!" Shepard pouted as Liara cupped her face, smiling widely with far too much happiness.

"Oh Jane, you delightful, adorable human. I love you so much," Liara cooed affectionately, pinching Shepard's cheeks. Shepard snorted in hurt outrage, feeling mocked and infinitely stupid for panicking. Sensing her hurt Liara purred soothingly as she rubbed her nose against Shepard's.

"I'm sorry my love, I didn't mean to laugh. It's just so sweet, your panic over this," Liara pulled back and glanced over at the slumbering Aliyah with soft eyes, "Yes, asari are able to meld at a young age, it is natural as breathing. You would know that if you read a certain book, pictures or no."

Shepard huffed, frowning deeper as she wrapped her arms around Liara's waist, burying her face into the crook of her neck. Liara continued on, rubbing her hand up and down Shepard's back while the other threaded through her hair, "While the meld is a very graphic and encompassing experience, Aliyah would have understood very little of the context of your thoughts. Her brain is not developed enough to grasp the concept of sexuality, of lust or desire of the sexual kind. She would have just been confused by the strange thoughts and feelings."

Shepard exhaled a long, deep breath. It felt like she haven't breathed the past twenty minutes. Her shoulders went limp as the last of her stress leeched out. She couldn't even begin to describe the depth of her relief, "Well thank god, I feel like a complete moron now."

She felt Liara nod, "Yes, you did overreact just a bit."

Shepard scoffed and pulled back to catch Liara's sparkling eyes, "I honestly thought I just committed our baby to years of therapy! Humans view sexuality very differently you know."

"Hmm, yes I do know," Liara smiled good-naturedly, brushing Shepard's wayward bangs back, "I am however only interested in one human's view of sexuality." She raised one brow upwards, her smile quickly turning sultry.

How did she manage to pull that off out of nowhere? The arousal that jolted through her system was ridiculous.

Shepard swallowed hard, running her hand down Liara's curvy waist, "Is that so?"

They both glanced over at the toddler, sprawled in the chair with her head hanging over the side. They had at least a half hour time frame.

Forgetting her humiliating experience in the face of getting some sweet, sweet love making with her asari, Shepard stood up, hands gripping Liara's ass as she pulled her closer. Liara let out a laugh of delight as she wrapped her legs and arms around Shepard and immediately began suckling her neck, marking it with a massive hickey as the human carried her to the bedroom.

The kitchen became peaceful once more, the afternoon sunlight falling gently onto the table, where two plates of untouched food remained neglected and a toddler snoozed in bliss.


End file.
